Finding Balance
My life has been changing like the seasons lately. Summer was so bright, and fun, and happy; and now, autumn is cold, and rainy, and… bleh. Honestly, I don’t know. I’m trying to focus on the positives of motherhood: snuggles, smiles, tiny hands and feet, and adorable clothes! But I can’t deny that it’s just plain hard. First of all, I have no idea what I’m doing; I was the youngest child so I was never really around babies/kids. I was a difficult kid, too, so I’m praying my daughter doesn’t get my attitude.
But seriously though, how are we doing this? I mean, I have no time for myself to do things that I enjoy or that I actually have to get done, you know? I get nap trapped so easily! Like the other day, I had the house to myself, just me and my baby. I had this whole plan of “ok, clean the bathroom, tidy my room, tidy the nursery, and maybe wash some bottles.” Not too bad, right? Wrong. She slept for 5 hours in my arms. And at first, I was like, honestly it’s not that bad. I’m enjoying the times that she’s little, and I get to snuggle her. Cleaning can wait. However, when my mom got home and was able to take her and I went to shower and do my basic hygiene, I realized how horribly I felt about myself. I felt like I was worthless to my family for not cleaning, and I felt like I was failing myself for not taking care of my body. I didn’t eat, shower, brush my teeth, or anything the whole day. And then after I realized that, I got stressed and anxious.
I felt like my world was ending. I was angry that nobody was around to help me, but at the same time, I rely on them so much that I want them to be able to have fun and enjoy their own time. So then I was angry at myself for being selfish, when in reality I just haven’t found my balance yet.
So, how do I find my balance? I have no idea.
But! I’m going to try to find it! Because I can’t be stuck in this endless cycle of anxiety and depression anymore. It’s not the life I want for myself, nor my daughter, nor my family. I deserve to be the best I can be, and so does everyone else. And, I’m blessed to have the greatest family in the world! They are always so supportive of me, and they show up when I need them.
Figuring this out, I need to remember to have patience, and give grace when needed. I’m not the only person who is tired or stressed, but I also am not in a place where I can take that off of anyone else’s shoulders right now. But, I have figured out some things that do help me! Making my bed, taking a shower/bath, bleaching my bathtub a billion times (please tell my anxiety that there is no mold in my bathtub and I am not being poisoned!), and being in community. Reaching out to my friends and family is my favorite part of the day! I love FaceTime calls! They truly do keep me sane.
And if there’s anyone else who feels like this cycle is never going to end, remind yourself that this is only a season. There’s a teeny tiny light at the end of the tunnel, and each day it grows brighter and brighter. So reach out to someone and find support wherever you can. You will be found!
Love, Meg
